Going Nowhere Faster
Five Things The Publisher Said About Going Nowhere Faster:
- "It’s fast paced."
- "It has feel-good moments"
- "It’s laugh-out-loud funny."
- "You’ll come to love these characters more than your own family."
- "Some people prefer The Brothers Karamazov, but those people are stuck in the past."
Some Advice I, Stan Smith, Can Give You, The Potential Reader:
- Ask your mom for some cash. If she says no, slip a twenty from her purse and buy this. Or, even better, have your best friend pretend to faint by the register and stuff this in your sweatpants while the clerk freaks out and checks for a pulse.
- My therapist, Dr. Feldman, says #1 isn’t very nice or funny. He says stealing is "Off the hook". He says a lot of things. Ignore him.
- Someone keeps vandalizing my bike. What kind of person vandalizes a bike? On the other hand, what 18 year-old still rides one? My mother believes in karma. My father believes in math. I believe that some big-forehead game show host should knock on my door and give me a Ferrari. And one of those enormous cardboard checks. When someone with a cardboard check knocks on your door, answer it.
- If you buy this and bring it into the school cafeteria and stand on a table and read parts of it out loud in a hammy Canadian accent, your popularity will increase exponentially.
- Pick a phrase. "Love is like a rock" for instance. No matter what question anyone asks you, use this phrase as an answer. Do it for two full weeks. When every single person you know is finally, amazingly, incredibly furious, give in and blame this book.