Sean Beaudoin

Enough excellent writing to fill a large tube sock

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Oh, man, is this a massive piece of crap. Sure, you need to suspend a certain amount of disbelief with any action film, but the sheer weight of illogic and lazy cliche this film forces you to shoulder is beyond ridiculous. Hey, filmmakers! Here's a hint: you can not jump off a bridge, fall fifty feet, and land on a truck moving at 70 mph and just sort of hold on. Forget parsing the laws of velocity, physics, or the frailty of bone structure, it's not possible because it's stupid. Angelina Jolie can't do it, and neither can anyone on Seal Team 6. And they have her do it twice! Likewise, you can't jump off a subway car going 40mph and land on the tracks and walk away. You can't jump out of a helicopter 200 feet over the frozen Potomac, swim to shore, and then run all wet all the way home without dying of hypothermia. Let alone being spotted. Also, if you kill about 19 policemen and then plant a bomb on the roof of the subway corridor, pretty much just guessing where the Russian president is standing through 20 feet of concrete on the floor above, what do you suppose the odds are you'll  nail it to the inch, and it'll create a perfect hole for him to drop down into without being injured? Should I go on? No? Okay, well, what about the fact that Angie weighs 110 pounds? Will any amount of training allow her to kick 6 secret service guy's asses, usually with just one punch or kick, so they lay on the floor knocked out and give her time to duck more bullets and do magical things with her Blackberry? If so, why isn't she an MMA champion? Hell, put her in the heavyweight division. She's got the moves! Angie vs. Kimbo Slice! Kick him harder, girl! Give him a throat stomp! Here's the secret to super-secret CIA spy training: you always win if every punch you throw lands flush, even with tiny little Angie hands. So, you just need to train to be %100 perfect. Finally, the only thing you really need to know is this: An important plot point hinges on spider venom.


This movie is so colossally stupid it's an insult to the oeuvre of Chuck Norris. Both his movies and his Total Gym infomercials. Chuck should sue.

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