Sean Beaudoin

Enough excellent writing to fill a large tube sock

My Books:

"Some Tears May Be Crocodile, But My Salt Is True."

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A Flood Of SwayzeOsity

So three days after I made a random post about my hero Pat Swayze, who for some reason just sort of popped into my head after a long time of not being there, I pick up a copy of The Onion, possibly the greatest newspaper in the world, and they have a big article about Patrick, even referring to him repeatedly as "The Swayze". Now, I have to say, this came as quite a shock. Stan Smith has been calling Pat "The Swayze" for years now, and even considered patenting the phrase, like Pat Riley did with "Threepeat". (Onion Lawyers: feel free to check dated/notarized early GNF drafts in the Time Warner vaults). Anyway, it got me thinking about this thing I read once and only half-understood. It was a theory by cognitive scientist Richard Dawkins that there are these things called "memes" which are almost living ideas that pass through the human herd. We think we have ideas independently, but, in reality, we are picking up on information subconsciously that floats from person to person, like the tiny electrical charges that float from ant antennae to ant antennae. In other words, maybe the guy at The Onion happened to read the same entirely unrelated four books, four articles, and listen to the same four songs that made The Swayze pop into his head as it did mine.

When I was in college, I had a dream about a movie where there was really no plot, just a camera following one person for a brief period of time. That person would bump into someone else on the sidewalk, or see a friend in a drugstore, and the camera would just start following the friend, as if there were no real narrator. Just when you got used to one person, it would jump to the next. I woke up and immediately jotted down 20 pages of script treatment. The concept was that the movie would tell two dozen stories, each maybe only a few minutes long, and the focus would change as the characters happened to interact with one another randomly. I was all set to shoot a short 16mm film the next semester. So imagine my surprise when I went to the movies with some friends a few weeks later and saw the exact same movie as I had dreamed about. It was called Slacker. It was as if the guy had stolen my treatment and filmed it for himself. It wasn't a little like my idea, it was exactly like my idea. I tried to explain this after the movie and those friends were all like, "Yeah, sure, let's go get take-out". I showed my treatment to a number of other people, who all just shrugged. In the end, I threw the treatment away and came up with a new idea, but I still haven't forgotten the shock of that level of coincidence. Maybe it was a meme. Maybe Richard Linklatter snuck into my dorm and I can sue him for royalties. Maybe even now, as I try to finish this too-long post off, some kid in China is typing the exact same words. Except it's probably in Mandarin. Or Cantonese. In which case, it will seem entirely different.

Also, Harry Potter was my idea too.

An Itch Finally Scratched

Yes, today is the day. Going Nowhere Faster is officially on sale. No more searching frantically online for pirated Shanghai versions. No more waiting in long lines overnight in the freezing cold outside your local Best Buy. No more hacking into the Time/Warner computer for encrypted paragraphs. Now you can casually walk down to your local mom&pop bookseller and plunk down your mom or pop's credit card and buy 14 copies. Easy as pie.

When I first started writing GNF, my intent was to use a pseudonym instead of my real name. I was going to start going by EASY A. PYE..... I thought it was funny, but no one else did.

Send Me Your Tired And Poor, Your Huddled Masses

Stan Smith will soon begin reviewing books and cds on this site. If your band has a disc out, or you've just written something, send it to the contact address under the AUTHOR tab and Stan will get to it as soon as he can.

All books/music will be numerically graded using Stan's own rating system. This system has been perfected over years of trial and error:

10-Astonishingly good. Loved it. Learned from it. Will play/read it many,
many more times over many, many more years.
9- Pretty damn great. A number of truly fine songs/chapters with few, if any,
8- Has style and numerous excellent qualities. There were a few significant
glitches, but the positives far outweighed them.
7- A variety of solid stuff that made me want to like it more than I
really did. Needs some direction. Endearingly flawed.
6- I liked some of it okay. At least four or five good songs/sentences. Still, a
lot of it was tiresome.
5- As mediocre as a five-disc live Clapton set. Made me sleepy and suddenly nostalgic for Ogden Nash.
4- Needed a major infusion of balls of almost any variety. Pointedly off.
3- Listened to/read the entire thing and genuinely wished I didn't.
Frisbee'd it into traffic on the way to work. The next day it was still there.
2- Two speaks for itself.
1- The Absolute Worst Disc Ever Burned/Book Ever Written. Likely to be rife with Billy
Joel, or possibly just static. Threw this into the ocean, and it washed immediately back.
A sea turtle ate it and it gave him the runs for a month.


Eet Eez A Story Tres Magnifique

It's always nice to have one of your short stories translated into French. I'm sure it's a much better story this way: Zee Barrelhousique

It's possible that it is somewhat worse in German: Der Barrelhousen

Japanese looks fun: Tiny Faster Going Fun Go

There used to be a site with a different story translated into Turkish, but apparently the demand throughout Constantinople was so great, the orders flooding in so furiously, that the site crashed and has yet to be re-launched. Or, they went out of business.
Actually, no, here it is: Dangerzy Gulzat

Reading Turkish is excellent, especially if you don't understand any. And the Turks really know how to put together a good name. "Turgut Ozal" has stuck in my head for years. I think he was their former president or some government official. I wish my name was Turgut Ozal.

I Will Sell You A Napkin With SOUL written on it

Also excellent to see there are a number of advance reading copies (what the publisher sends out to the chain stores and reviewers six months before the real book comes out) already available for sale at your various discount/book slasher online sites. What's even stranger is there are already hardbounds for sale and the book isn't even out yet. Now that's impressive. I only have five of them myself. Who already has one, read it (more likely didn't read it) and hawked it? I want to buy that person a beer.
My father told me that when my sister and I were in middle school and we all took a family trip to Brazil (for no discernable reason) some guy approached him on the street and offered to buy my sister. Just outright. Don't know if he was offering a dozen camels, or maybe a sack of cash, but that is pretty impressive too. I admire pragmatic cultures. No fooling around. If everything is for sale, everything is for sale, or we're all hypocrites.

I sure miss my sister, by the way. Dad insists he got a really good deal.

Can we have our book back, then?

Six People We Sent Advance Copies Of GNF To For Blurbs, Who Never Responded:
1. Babs Striesand
2. All four Baldwin brothers (although one might be in jail, so he gets a pass)
3. Hugh Grant (should be in jail, just for squinting too much)
4. Arnold The Governor Of California (Has his hands full with Maria)
5. Jim Jarmusch
6. Freddie Prinz Jr. (Busy sounding out the big words in his script for Scooby Doo IIi: Here's Some More Doo)

New Reader Pics

This dude Alec says he thinks the best line in GNF is when Dr. Felder
asks Stan, "What does sucks feel like?"

He is undoubtedly right.....
Actually, that's a great idea for a new t-shirt...or maybe even a song...

Patrick Swayze Loves My Blog

Or at least I'm sure he would if he read it. Where is The Swaze lately, anyhow? I heard a rumor they were filming Roadhouse II: The Mother Of All Bar Brawls on location in Thailand, but I am unable to confirm this via internet. He's been keeping an uncomfortably low profile and I find myself repeatedly watching City Of Hope at 2 a.m. on cable in a desperate attempt to feed the big blank hole which only a couple hours of fresh Swayze acting chops can fill. You can only watch Point Break in slow motion so many times before deveoping an acute case of Keanu poisoning. Patrick, if you're reading this, please come back to us.

A Spiderable Prose Poem

Nerd. Books. Rock. Rock Music. Biodiesel. Hippy Mom. Nirvana. Chopper. Bad guy smell. Sister. Love. Road Trip. Punch. Burger Barn. The Terminator. Babs Striesand. Movie scripts. Mustache and Perm. Skinny. Fat. Inventor. Wanna be In a Band? Yes. NATS. Girlfriend. The Beatles. Dumped. Artifice. Swayze, Patrick. Real. Souped up Camaro. Four-In-One wallet. DON'T BE SUCH A STAN.

Big Decision

So I decided that I am not going to write anything on the MySpace blog and save all pearls for this site. I know this will effect the daily planning of any number of people, so I thought I'd announce it early. Also, I have decided GNF needs a "Where's The Beef?" style catchphrase. I considered "Funny Is As Funny Does" as well as "Let Me Borrow Your Nose", but finally settled on "Don't Be Such A Stan!" Yup, if you start saying it, and convince at least two other people to start saying it, and send at least three emails asking people to say it, the phrase should be around the world by next Friday. Don't be such a Stan. Really. Just do it.

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