On A Level of Suck
This is a chronological list of every movie I've seen since April, 2006. All movies are graded according to well-established and strict international Level of Suck guidelines, developed with painstaking accuracy during the Yalta 2000 Conference, as well as according to my whims and moods at any given moment. The only rule is NO SKIPPING embarrassing titles, and no adding cool foreign movies that I actually didn't watch. If Fassbinder or Satyajit Ray or Lars Von Trier is on there, it's 'cause I really sat through the damn thing. Also, all series discs (Manimal season 5, for instance) will be treated as one title.
Level 10 - KICK TO THE FUNDAMENTS - Astonishingly good. Powerful. A true piece of art. Pushing cinema in new directions.
Level 9 - UTTERLY EBULLIENT - Pretty damn great. Innovative, daring, honest. Totally in command. Fantastic elements abound from scene to scene, but not quite a masterpiece.
Level 8 - STRAIGHT THROBBING - Has style, chops, verve, poise. Some great acting or camera work. Even so, there were a few significant glitches.
Level 7 - RELATIVELY SATIATED - A variety of solid scenes that made me want to like it more than I really did. Needs some direction. Endearingly flawed. Acting a bit dodgy. Script needed another run-through.
Level 6 - SORTA COMPLACENT - I liked some of it okay. At least four or five good ideas in there, but, a lot of it was tiresome. Too long and too dark and some serious cheese acting.
Level 5 - NEARLY SOMNAMBULENT - As mediocre as a Bruce Willis harmonica solo. Dull, tired, unoriginal. The characters frequently do inexplicable things just to advance the already weak plot.
Level 4 - LIKE, NAUSEATED - Needed a major infusion of balls of almost any variety. Pointedly off.
Level 3 - EXISTENTIALLY WEEPY - Watched the entire thing and genuinely wished I hadn't. Frisbee'd the DVD into traffic on the way to work. The next day it was still there, and someone else had dropped a copy of Norbit II: Norbittier right on top of it. At the end of almost every Level 3 movie, Adam Sandler cries, and then someone drives the wrong way through oncoming traffic.
Level 2 - I WANT TO CRUSH MY HEAD IN A GRAVEL PRESS - Unbearable. Lots of mumbling, poor lighting, unintentional jump cuts, and former teen reality stars running half-naked in the woods from a guy in a Carrot Top mask.
Level 1 - TOTAL SOULDEATH - The Absolute Worst Movie Ever! Threw this into the ocean, and it washed immediately back. A sea turtle ate it and it gave him the burning shits for two months. Toward the end, Mickey Rourke beats up David Caruso.