Sean Beaudoin

Enough excellent writing to fill a large tube sock

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News

Apocalypse List

1. Widespread use of chemical fertilizers is killing off dirt mites. Without dirt mites, nothing will grow.
2. The bees are disappearing. Without the bees, nothing will grow.
3. Antartica is melting. When the icecap becomes liquid, Nevada will be beachfront.
4. Iceland is bankrupt. Without wealthy, sexy Icelandic ravers, there will be no reason to include Reijkavik on your Eurail pass.
5. The stock market is a more occluded, less obvious version of Madoff's Ponzi scheme.
6. TGI Fridays is going out of business. Without their fried ice cream, Zoloft loses its favorite enabler.
7. George W. Bush, rarely mistaken for Trotsky, has nationalized banking.
8. People continually quote MIlton Friedman instead of burning him in effigy.
9. During season one of Three's Company, Janet continually blinks in morse code the repeated message: By 2011 the entire world will essentially be a genderless, humorless recreation of the Weimar Republic.
10. There is a section of the North Pacific the size of Texas that is a massive floating field of nurdles, which are tiny shards of discarded plastic which will take 500,000 years to biodegrade, in which time they will comprise forty percent of the body weight of any remaining fish.

Coming in part two of this message: Why I am pricing shotguns.
And, Twitter too… Also on Facebook

“My name’s Stan. So right there I was more or less doomed from the beginning. You don’t think so? Ever heard of a movie star named Stan?”

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