Sean Beaudoin

Enough excellent writing to fill a large tube sock

My Books:

FAQs

Here’s a list of questions I get asked a lot, and hopefully a few answers:

Q: Are you Stan Smith? Are you Sophie Blue? Are you Dalton Rev?

A: No, those are all characters I made up. And like most author’s characters, some of their details come from my real-life experiences. For instance, Stan Smith and I both worked in a video store while in high school, where we developed the uncanny ability to recall the name and location of just about every movie on every shelf. It did not, however, impress any cute girls in either case. And it annoyed our boss, who was constantly trying to stump us by re-arranging things. He looked a lot like the mustache guy from Hall and Oates, except about a thousand French-fries bigger. But all the similarities stop there. Right there. I’ve also never been a Goth girl, a little sister, a comic-relief sidekick, or flatulent dog, an evil Nurse, or a private detective.

Q: Where did the song "Going Nowhere Faster" come from, and why does it rock so incredibly hard?

A: My friend and I recorded it in his basement. On what is essentially a glorified toaster. The fact that it doesn’t sound like three minutes of television static or smell like a loaf of burnt rye is practically a miracle.

Q: How about the hard-rocking video for You Killed Wesley Payne. Did you do that on your laptop, or is there someone else we should credit in the New York Times article we’re writing about you?

A: It was animated and scored by the butt-kicking pixel-shark, Shawn Harris.

Q: Will there be a sequel to Going Nowhere Faster or Fade to Blue?

A: Probably not, unless you steal your dad’s Amex right this second and buy up every single remaindered copy of each. But if you’re really impatient for one or both come out, feel free to contact my publisher, Little, Brown Inc. and demand that they pay a huge advance for me to crank one out. In the meantime, feel free to spam them with complaints, invasive hacker viruses, and threats of nation-wide boycotts unless both sequels appear within one month on your local bookshelf. Or local browser.

Q: Is it hard to write a book?

A: Yeah, actually it’s a lot of work. On the other hand, the hardest part is not wasting all your time thinking about how daunting it is, and just sitting down to write. My personal theoretical formula is: Pen+paper+coffee=book.

Q: Who is your favorite author?

A: That’s really a hard one. I would put Robert Musil, Dostoyevsky, Deborah Eisenberg, Evelyn Waugh, Robert Wright, James Salter, Herodotus, Vladimir Nabokov, Frederick Exley, H.L. Mencken, Alice Munro, Hunter S. Thompson, Don Carpenter, David Mitchell, and Knut Hamsun in my top fifteen for sure. If you asked me the same question tomorrow, I’d probably come up with fifteen different people.

Q: Who is your favorite musician?

A: Even harder. Billie Holiday, John Coltrane, Jimi Hendrix, James Brown, The Meat Puppets, The Clash, The Stooges, Son House, Charles Mingus, Chet Baker, The Velvet Underground, My Bloody Valentine, Fela, Pavement, Glenn Gould, Roy Acuff, Gillian Welch, Mike James Kirkland, Dolly Parton, Slayer, The Sword, Mastodon, Shostakovitch, Machito, Fats Navarro, Sufjan Stevens, Art Tatum, Frank Zappa, Richard Thompson, Husker Du, Bad Brains, Nina Simone, Johnny Hodges, Captain Beefheart, Bob Dylan, and The Bangles.

Q: Can cars really run on oil from onion rings and burgers and stuff?

A: Yeah, actually they can. And a lot of them do. Bio-diesel is a real fuel and it’s frequently made from waste oil from fast food restaurants. It’s actually fairly simple to re-fit diesel Mercedes’ and Toyotas to use the fuel, and it burns completely clean. There is a station in Berkeley, CA that only sells bio-diesel, and it’s doing a healthy business.

Q: Could you briefly explain what Going Nowhere Faster is about?

A: Nerd. Books. Rock. Rock Music. Hippy Mom. Nirvana. Chopper. Bad guy smell. Sister. Love. Road Trip. Punch. Burger Barn. The Terminator. Babs Streisand. Movie scripts. Mustache and Perm. Inventor. Wanna-Band. Yes. NATS. Girlfriend. The Beatles. Dumped. Swayze, Patrick. Artifice. Real. Souped-up Camaro. Four-In-One wallet. DON’T BE SUCH A STAN.

Q: There were parts of Fade to Blue that I didn’t understand. Am I dumb?

A: Most certainly not. Except, you know, maybe. Hey, listen: there are several parts of the novel that are intentionally left for the reader to make their own decision about the ultimate meaning. But if you are able to come up with a single theory, you’re totally cool.

Q: Do you have a personal catchphrase or motto?

A: Yes. It’s Some May Be Crocodile, But My Salt Is True. But, you know, I’m also sort of partial to : Treat People Nicely, There’s No Reason To Be A Shit.

Q: I think the “theory” of global warming is pure hoax. What do you think?

A: If you drive an SUV, you should have to serve in Iraq. The length of time you have to serve will be calculated using a formula based on how many pounds over 1000 your Navigator or Excursion or Armada or Carpetbagger weighs. If you drive a Hummer, you should have to move to Baghdad for good and open a pirated dvd stall in the central marketplace.

Q: Is You Killed Wesley Payne the best book ever written?

A: Only time will tell. The Dostoyevsky people do seem a little nervous lately.

Q: Can I run away from home, buy a new pen and clipboard, move into your basement, and become your personal assistant.

A: No. But only because the basement is currently stuffed to the rim with applicant-runaways.

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“‘It’s not fair. Why does survival have to be so … primitive?’”

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